leftwithmybones | (no subject)

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At the time, it'd seemed like a good idea. They're in some strange fantasy that's made up of moments in his head, they're home, but not home, so why shouldn't he capitalize on the fact and pack a couple bags in the night so he can whisk Jim away to Iowa and the dry-docks. If this is his head, he'll want to make Jim happy and if that's the case, then the Enterprise ought to be in there for repairs.

What he did not prepare for was the fact that even though this is in his head, his goddamn aviophobia hasn't vanished. He's currently sitting in one of the seats in the shuttle, head between his knees and breathing so hard that he thinks he'll never breathe a deep breath again. In short form: he's going to throw up and it'll be the shuttle company's fault for not letting him do it in the bathroom. Another lurch and McCoy groans heavily, sinking even further forward, like he's attempting to melt into the floor.

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"In a good way, right?" Jim asks, but his heart is starting to thump in his chest, adrenaline kicking in - he'd meant what he'd said earlier, for Bones to willingly board a shuttle is a big deal, so they must be somewhere truly special.

In the end, it's the air that does it, that familiar cornfield smell mixed with motor oil, and Jim breathes deep and wonders aloud, "Did you bring me to Iowa just to have me watch you kick Frank's ass? Because I'd be down for that."

"Don't lose that thought, we might do that later on," McCoy says, not even having thought of that, but now that it's been brought up, he doesn't want to let it go. He leads Jim out to the entrance and sighs with relief when he sees the familiar letters and numbers on the hull of the ship. Lightly, he nudges Jim with his elbow towards the personnel guarding the Enterprise. "Go on, put on your best Captain face and get us on board, would you? Otherwise I endured a shuttle trip for nothing."

He should have expected it. He should have known from that first blast of Iowan air, should have sensed her or suspected as much from Bones, and maybe Jim did. Maybe he did and wouldn't face it, because it's just a little bit too much, coming suddenly face to face with the other great love of his life.

He doesn't know what's on his face when he approaches her, her body huge and gleaming and white and everything that Jim's been missing, but the few sentries part for them like water. Jim walks right past them, out of sight and out of earshot, and then he leans forward with hands braced against his knees, body trembling with more want than he can process.

"Well, your knees didn't hit the ground," McCoy observes, and yeah, he wants a coffee more than he wants to live, but there's replicators on board that'll do the trick for him. He takes in a deep breath and prepares himself for what bringing Jim here means, hand on Jim's back and letting his thumb brush over the nape of his neck. "Figured I ought to give you a slice of home, too."

Jim nods, taking in deep breaths through his nose, and finds it in himself to stand. It's different, she's different, or maybe he is, standing before her once again with Bones at his side, but in a new way. Not just a friend anymore, or his trusted CMO, but his partner. Who flew himself halfway to a panic attack to get Jim here.

"Thanks, Bones," Jim murmurs, throat tight.

"I wasn't kidding about that coffee and greasy food bit," he says pointedly, shooting Jim an expectant look. "I'm not even going to bother being nice to anyone until you give that to me." He takes in a deep breath and stares up at the ship, hauling his duffel bag tighter against his shoulder. "Two days. Okay? Two days and then we go home to my baby girl."

"Two days, Bones..." says Jim, finally peeling his eyes away to look at him. "C'mon, I love her, but that's too long, god knows how it's going to be before you get to see Jo again. I don't need two days here, not unless we're going to take her out." His eyebrows lift suddenly. "Are we taking her out?"

"It's my brain and god knows that my brain is a sucker for your pretty eyes, so who the hell knows what's possible," he admits with a pop of his brow in an upward direction. "I'm starved, Jim. Get me some food and then make your crazy genius plans when you're done with that."

"I fucking love your brain," Jim breathes, so sincere it hurts, his whole chest one big ache, and grabbing Bones' hand doesn't soothe it, but it doesn't make it worse.

"C'mon," he says, navigating past guard after guard, onto the strange little pad that marks the only way onto the ship. "We'll get everything you need in my quarters."

"Why can't I go to my quarters?" McCoy complains sharply, giving Jim a petulant look as he follows along after Jim, sighing and lifting up Jim's hand in order to press a kiss to the back of his hand. "You okay? You not fit to burst any time soon?"

"If you're asking am I going to cry, I'm totally going to, it's inevitable," Jim says, pausing for the fucking insane feeling of being beamed on ship for the first time in ages.

He sways on the transport pad, torn between weeping and whooping, and continues, "My quarters have better coffee. Captain's privileges and all."

"Yours do not," he protests, but he closes his eyes as tightly as he can when they get beamed up, refusing to indulge his mind in the panic attack thoughts that come as a result of what he's doing. "Besides, if this were real and we were back, I wouldn't be moving in with you, Cap," he says wryly.

"Don't say that," Jim exhales, and now he does feel like weeping, holding Bones' hand on a transport pad like he never would have considered as Captain. "We do what we want, what we need to do, Bones, in your head or elsewhere. I'm not giving you up when we're home."

"Yeah, but I'm not moving in with you right away, unless you want the ship's crew to think I put out and got a raise for it," he says sharply, giving Jim a disbelieving look. "I'll sneak into your bed after Gamma properly. No giving me up, just transitioning into this."

He exhales once he checks his body parts over for change, hurrying off the transport pad. "God, I hate that thing."

"Bullshit," says Jim, "Do you think the crew's going to care? My first officer and communications chief are already together, and everyone's fine with it, they think it's cute even. Anyone who has a problem with you and me will be swiftly terrorized out of it. Hey."

Pausing in the hall, Jim backs Bones against the wall. "Are you really worried about this?"

"Yeah, I'm really worried about this," he replies, shifting his shoulders against the wall as he's unable to escape the feeling of being trapped. "Look, Jim, you coasted through school on looks and brains and charm and you got the position Pike challenged you to get."

"I'm just pointing out, Jim, you're in a position of high authority and I...I don't think I can waltz into your quarters permanently without it affecting my career forever."

"I did not coast," says Jim, ashen, "I did not coast, and neither did you, we're where we are because we worked hard and we're brilliant and we earned it, and nobody's going to think that about you. I'll - "

Turning suddenly, Jim walks a few paces away, hands in his hair. "I'll punch anybody who says so."

McCoy shoots Jim a sharp look. "You seemed like you were coasting through it," he points out. "Kobayashi Maru? What'd you do to study for it that last time? Or should I ask what part of Gaila's body you were studying," he says, the jealousy sharp in his words. "Nobody's saying you're not brilliant, but you always made it look like you were coasting," he says with a growl. "And you cannot punch this right."

Jim recoils as if slapped. "That's not why they gave me the ship and you know it," he growls back, "And I don't regret anything about the Kobayashi." A man can't cheat a no-win, he beats it, and Jim won't apologize. Not to Spock, not to Bones, not to anybody.

Turning, he walks hard towards the turbo-lift, the walls around him too small and closing in. This is what they're like for Bones, he realizes with another sickening twist of his stomach. Bones, who doesn't want to be here. Who's afraid to be with him aboard this ship where people can see.

Edited 2012-10-09 22:44 (UTC)

"I'm only saying," he growls at Jim, "that you seem to get the things you want out of life because you have everything," he says. "And I...I don't!" he shouts after Jim, pushing away to stalk after Jim, grabbing at his sleeve to yank him around, forcing him to look his way. "I know it's not why you got the ship, but I'm sorry if I feel like I was just your sidekick during the Academy!"

"Oh, so I'm spoiled now?" Jim returns, tugging his sleeve out of Bones' grip. "I want it so I get it, people just hand me things, things they don't hand to you? Why is that, Bones? Is it 'cause my daddy died a war hero, and everyone still feels bad about it, twenty-six years later?" He'd heard it more than once in his Academy days. "You think that, too, now?"

"Shut the hell up," McCoy snaps at him. "I don't think that, you know I don't think that. Jesus," he hisses. "I just think that you seemed like you had an easy as hell time going through school and I went crazy every goddamn week with panic and nerves and school and clinicwork. You! You just..."

He shakes his head and grabs at Jim's sleeve one more time to pull him close before he lets go of him. "Name one thing you didn't destroy the world around you to get once you decided you wanted it," he challenges. "You're like that. I'm not. That's all I'm saying."

"You think it will be you," says Jim, and his heart is hammering, but he feels detached, floating, his voice dull. "You think the thing I destroy this time will be you, wanting to be with you on the ship so bad I ruin your career."

He walks into the turbo-lift, thumbing for his deck by habit. Bones needs coffee and food, he thinks, numb - his personal replicator should be working.

He doesn't answer because, well, he's not sure what's going to fall as a result of Jim's blind determination. "How many of your classmates curse you behind your back because of how hard you worked?" he asks quietly, taking a deep breath and following, as much as he'd like to head back to earth. "You're incredible. You're amazing, Jim, and I know you love me, but there's a part of me that doesn't know how long I get to last, even if I want to keep you forever and goddamn ever."

"Nobody cursed me 'cause of how hard I worked," says Jim, watching the levels fly by. "People go to the Academy to learn to be members of a Fleet - the better prepared the crewman next to you, the better off and safer you'll be once you're out there. People resented me because they thought I was Pike's pet, or because of my daddy's bullshit legacy, a late student piggybacking on other people's hard work."

The lift stops and opens, and Jim walks out, pausing in the hall. "Do you want out, Bones? Because you're pretty keen to put an end date on us, and just as ready to say it'll be because of me."