leftwithmybones | (no subject)

(no subject)

At the time, it'd seemed like a good idea. They're in some strange fantasy that's made up of moments in his head, they're home, but not home, so why shouldn't he capitalize on the fact and pack a couple bags in the night so he can whisk Jim away to Iowa and the dry-docks. If this is his head, he'll want to make Jim happy and if that's the case, then the Enterprise ought to be in there for repairs.

What he did not prepare for was the fact that even though this is in his head, his goddamn aviophobia hasn't vanished. He's currently sitting in one of the seats in the shuttle, head between his knees and breathing so hard that he thinks he'll never breathe a deep breath again. In short form: he's going to throw up and it'll be the shuttle company's fault for not letting him do it in the bathroom. Another lurch and McCoy groans heavily, sinking even further forward, like he's attempting to melt into the floor.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Yours do not," he protests, but he closes his eyes as tightly as he can when they get beamed up, refusing to indulge his mind in the panic attack thoughts that come as a result of what he's doing. "Besides, if this were real and we were back, I wouldn't be moving in with you, Cap," he says wryly.

"Don't say that," Jim exhales, and now he does feel like weeping, holding Bones' hand on a transport pad like he never would have considered as Captain. "We do what we want, what we need to do, Bones, in your head or elsewhere. I'm not giving you up when we're home."

"Yeah, but I'm not moving in with you right away, unless you want the ship's crew to think I put out and got a raise for it," he says sharply, giving Jim a disbelieving look. "I'll sneak into your bed after Gamma properly. No giving me up, just transitioning into this."

He exhales once he checks his body parts over for change, hurrying off the transport pad. "God, I hate that thing."

"Bullshit," says Jim, "Do you think the crew's going to care? My first officer and communications chief are already together, and everyone's fine with it, they think it's cute even. Anyone who has a problem with you and me will be swiftly terrorized out of it. Hey."

Pausing in the hall, Jim backs Bones against the wall. "Are you really worried about this?"

"Yeah, I'm really worried about this," he replies, shifting his shoulders against the wall as he's unable to escape the feeling of being trapped. "Look, Jim, you coasted through school on looks and brains and charm and you got the position Pike challenged you to get."

"I'm just pointing out, Jim, you're in a position of high authority and I...I don't think I can waltz into your quarters permanently without it affecting my career forever."

"I did not coast," says Jim, ashen, "I did not coast, and neither did you, we're where we are because we worked hard and we're brilliant and we earned it, and nobody's going to think that about you. I'll - "

Turning suddenly, Jim walks a few paces away, hands in his hair. "I'll punch anybody who says so."

McCoy shoots Jim a sharp look. "You seemed like you were coasting through it," he points out. "Kobayashi Maru? What'd you do to study for it that last time? Or should I ask what part of Gaila's body you were studying," he says, the jealousy sharp in his words. "Nobody's saying you're not brilliant, but you always made it look like you were coasting," he says with a growl. "And you cannot punch this right."

Jim recoils as if slapped. "That's not why they gave me the ship and you know it," he growls back, "And I don't regret anything about the Kobayashi." A man can't cheat a no-win, he beats it, and Jim won't apologize. Not to Spock, not to Bones, not to anybody.

Turning, he walks hard towards the turbo-lift, the walls around him too small and closing in. This is what they're like for Bones, he realizes with another sickening twist of his stomach. Bones, who doesn't want to be here. Who's afraid to be with him aboard this ship where people can see.

Edited 2012-10-09 22:44 (UTC)

"I'm only saying," he growls at Jim, "that you seem to get the things you want out of life because you have everything," he says. "And I...I don't!" he shouts after Jim, pushing away to stalk after Jim, grabbing at his sleeve to yank him around, forcing him to look his way. "I know it's not why you got the ship, but I'm sorry if I feel like I was just your sidekick during the Academy!"

"Oh, so I'm spoiled now?" Jim returns, tugging his sleeve out of Bones' grip. "I want it so I get it, people just hand me things, things they don't hand to you? Why is that, Bones? Is it 'cause my daddy died a war hero, and everyone still feels bad about it, twenty-six years later?" He'd heard it more than once in his Academy days. "You think that, too, now?"

"Shut the hell up," McCoy snaps at him. "I don't think that, you know I don't think that. Jesus," he hisses. "I just think that you seemed like you had an easy as hell time going through school and I went crazy every goddamn week with panic and nerves and school and clinicwork. You! You just..."

He shakes his head and grabs at Jim's sleeve one more time to pull him close before he lets go of him. "Name one thing you didn't destroy the world around you to get once you decided you wanted it," he challenges. "You're like that. I'm not. That's all I'm saying."

"You think it will be you," says Jim, and his heart is hammering, but he feels detached, floating, his voice dull. "You think the thing I destroy this time will be you, wanting to be with you on the ship so bad I ruin your career."

He walks into the turbo-lift, thumbing for his deck by habit. Bones needs coffee and food, he thinks, numb - his personal replicator should be working.

He doesn't answer because, well, he's not sure what's going to fall as a result of Jim's blind determination. "How many of your classmates curse you behind your back because of how hard you worked?" he asks quietly, taking a deep breath and following, as much as he'd like to head back to earth. "You're incredible. You're amazing, Jim, and I know you love me, but there's a part of me that doesn't know how long I get to last, even if I want to keep you forever and goddamn ever."

"Nobody cursed me 'cause of how hard I worked," says Jim, watching the levels fly by. "People go to the Academy to learn to be members of a Fleet - the better prepared the crewman next to you, the better off and safer you'll be once you're out there. People resented me because they thought I was Pike's pet, or because of my daddy's bullshit legacy, a late student piggybacking on other people's hard work."

The lift stops and opens, and Jim walks out, pausing in the hall. "Do you want out, Bones? Because you're pretty keen to put an end date on us, and just as ready to say it'll be because of me."

"I don't want out." It's the furthest thing from what he wants, but he can't stop himself from waiting for that other shoe to drop. He follows Jim because he's always going to follow him. "Jim," he says tiredly. "We're having this fight because you don't understand why I want to stay in my own room if, when, if we get back. Think about that. It's a big step and if we are going to be together for the rest of our lives," he says sharply, "don't you think I want to do it without a ship's worth of whispery gossip about how fast the CMO started banging the Captain?"

"Do you think there's a ship's worth of whispery gossip about Spock and Uhura?" Jim asks, eyebrows raised. "There's not, because Uhura shut it down on the few who gossiped, and so did I because I look out for them, and everyone else kept their mouths shut in the first place because we're a crew that respects each other."

Walking towards his room, Jim punches in his code. "How much do they think they'll respect us when they find out we've been lying all along?"

"I don't want to lie! Jesus, Jim, I just want to tell them it's happening without me cohabitating with you and us becoming a unit right away! We're not married, not yet," he pointedly reminds Jim. "And until we are, it's pretty damn normal to keep separate quarters." He rubs his temples, a migraine moving in. "And I'm not Spock! I'm not Uhura! Jim," he growls, "I can't practice medicine in several states. Yeah, I'm cautious, there's a reason for it."

"All right!" Jim barks, and if he was anyone else, one might say he all but flees into his room. His face is too hot, and his throat too tight, and he's agitated enough now that he can't remember all the reasons why anymore.

"Don't move into my quarters." His fucking quarters, god, he's missed them. Everything is just as he left it - the only thing missing now is Bones. "I'm not going to be the next thing that fucks up your life."

He swears he's running in circles with a brick wall coming at him hard. He stands in the doorway of Jim's quarters, pinching the bridge of his nose tightly. "Why don't you ever goddamn listen to me!" he shouts, loud enough to scare his clinic staff in their tracks. "Your selective hearing isn't cute! Not anymore! I'm not saying never, I'm saying not right away, are you that impatient?"

"Why are you never happy even when I'm giving you exactly what you want?" Jim shouts back at him, whirling from where he's been tinkering with the replicator. "I didn't say never either! Move in when you want to move in, the door will be - " Jim pauses to draw a breath. "It'll be open, and if you never walk through it, it won't be because of me. It'll be for all the reasons you're so scared this isn't going to work."

He's terrified, he is, but he's more terrified that he's going to fuck it up and he'll lose the best thing that ever happened to him. His chest is aching and he stalks forward until he can finagle an arm around Jim's shoulders, wrapping him in and pulling him so close to his torso. "I am scared," he admits. "I've been married, I've seen it fall to flames, and we've already been together, for lack of a better word, for over three years," he admits, hanging his head heavily. "I want us to work, but I got no guide on how to get there."

"Okay," says Jim, resisting the urge to grab at him, "Okay, let's just - I just. I got used to you being right there, and I liked it, but you're right." It hurts to admit, but Bones is right. "Onboard it'll be different. We'll have a mission, and I'll have my crew, and you'll have your staff. We'll have a hell of a lot more than each other to worry about."

McCoy pulls Jim flush against him, kissing against his temple. "And it's going to happen," he says, making sure that Jim is well-aware of the fact that he's in this for the long haul. "I promise," he swears, lips against Jim's skin. "I promise you, darlin', I'm not going anywhere, you're going to have to kick me out of your life."

Jim nods, throwing his arms around Bones' neck now that he has permission. "You just freaked me out," he exhales. "I don't want to mess things up for you, I wasn't really thinking about all the ways I could. You already had enough of that from Jocelyn."

"I wish I could say that you and she are as different as night and day, but I really did love her heart and soul," he admits, which is what makes this harder. He doesn't know how to prevent it from going all wrong again. "Just because we take something slow doesn't mean it's bad. It just means it'll last because we made a strong base."