leftwithmybones | (no subject)

He wakes up and Leonard McCoy is back to normal. He's a he again.

Fucking great.

Hell, it's not to say that it isn't, because it is, but after the last few days of emotional roller-coastering that he's been on, waking up to find his dick exactly where it belongs (and thank god he'd gone to bed in a large t-shirt and pair of boxers) and Jim slumbering beside him isn't half the relief he wants it to be. See, because some change in his head made him think, for a few days, that he and Jim could have a family and he's so fucking pissed off that as soon as he wakes to sunshine, he doesn't care what time it is. He lumbers to his feet and fumbles under the bed to brush against the floorboards until he knocks against the hollow one he'd put in. He drags it loose and comes up with one of Scotty's bottles from way back when, grimacing in advance of how bad it's going to taste.

He doesn't give a damn, though. He levers himself out of bed carefully and makes sure not to disturb Jim as he wanders into the kitchen for cereal and booze; a breakfast of champions. He forcibly doesn't think about anything while he's there because he has the feeling if he thinks too long about being Lena McCoy, he might actually break down and cry right then and there.

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He looks up, bleary-eyed, from where he's made his stand and is having a booze-laden breakfast. With a rub of his eyes, he doesn't know what to do except stare at Jim when he hears his name being called. The truth is, he's never loved Jim more. Simple as that. Except, he's not sure how to reconcile that with what's happened. "In here," he replies simply, setting the liquor aside to focus on eating something.

Jim stands, and for an overwhelming moment, he wants to run. He wants to get out of this house, away from the too close walls and all the heartache they contain, leave it behind with a spray of gravel or warp trail the way he's been able to most of his life, and the only thing that's stopping Jim is that he can't bear to leave Bones alone with it.

So he gets up, and he makes himself look through the doorway, and he lets the familiar sight of his Bones punch him in the gut. The stupid thing is, as much as he's missed Bones, he misses her, too, now, and the life they almost had together. It's confusing, and awful, and Jim's eyes ache as he blinks hard to clear them.

There's a bottle on the table, and Jim reaches for it first. gaze skittering over the miserable line of Bones' shoulders. "Are you okay?"

"Fuck no, I'm not," is his reply, sure and swift as anything. The truth is that he's not okay and he's not entirely sure yet why. It could be that he misses what could have been, it could be that he got used to being someone else, or maybe it had been freeing to be someone else for a little while. He eats a spoonful of cereal as if to balance out the booze and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Sorry," he says.

"And I'm not gonna hit you," he adds.

Jim takes a gulp from the bottle, hand rubbing at his chest over his heart. He thinks being punched would feel better than this, and he sits down on the other side of the table, watching Bones attack his bowl with the spoon.

"It was fucked up," he says at length. "Of all the things to do to us..." Trailing off, he studies Bones, a worried line between his brows. "Are you mad at me?"

He breathes in and then out, focusing on the sound of it. "Honestly, Jim, no. I'd have been a hell of a lot more pissed at you if you'd said no. Temporary change or not, you do right by your partner," he grunts, staring into the milky remnants of cereal. "I'm sorry I made such a goddamn mess of it all asking for something we can't have."

"It's not your fault, Bones, you were doing what felt natural." His legs twitch like he means to get up, then Jim shoves a hand through his hair instead, tugging as he releases it. "I should've explained everything from the start. I thought it might be like when I had amnesia, break you in slowly, but that was stupid. I should have just told you, Bones."

He shakes his head, sitting back with an unhappy huff. "This is on me."

He levels Jim with a disbelieving look, feeling tipsy enough to push out of his chair and to stalk over to Jim, grabbing onto his shoulder and holding on tightly. "You treated me fine, Jim, it ain't about that. It's the goddamn heartbreak of knowing what was so easy for a few goddamn days is one of the hardest things in the world, now."

Jim looks up at him, heat rushing to his face at the anger in Bones' features. It isn't directed at him, but Jim almost wishes that it was. Anything would be easier than dealing with this, and he opens his mouth, ready to push just enough to get the fight he needs, but what comes tumbling out is, "Jesus, what are we gonna do?"

Kids had been something for the future to attend to, a certain but as yet uncrystallized need, and now it's as if the floodgates have been opened. "I want our kids, Bones."

He rubs and pinches at the bridge of his nose and this is the problem. He doesn't have a damn clue. He's dressed in his pajamas and he's sitting at the table and they're discussing the fact that he hasn't got a damn uterus to carry a kid. How fucked up is their life? "Yeah, well, it's not happening," he says, something brittle and broken in his voice.

Jim watches him curl back over his bowl, his own back straightening. Everything about this is a nightmare, but however he's feeling, there's no room for them both to fall apart. "So we surrogate," he says. "Nothing's actually changed, it just feels like it has. We'll get back to center, Bones."

"Look, are we talking about this in the hopeful way you're so very accomplished in being optimistic about or are we treating this as a goddamn life plan," he says bluntly, because he knows that he's ready to deal with it. "I'm just saying, if you and I want to surrogate, we actually need to start doing shit," he points out.

It's a little like driving over that cliff in Riverside. He's thought about it a few dozen times, but Jim hadn't been sure he's ready until he finds himself already taking the plunge. "If you're ready now, then we start doing shit," says Jim, heart pounding. "There's island precedent, it can be done."

"Yeah, well, first thing first is I need samples. Both you and me, so we can choose the more healthy viable option," he says, his medical brain working despite the heavy pressure of the alcohol. "And then you need to find a woman," he says, lips together tightly because he feels like that's the nigh on impossible part. "And she's going to need to see a therapist and get tested and sign papers. And then, if, if you can find a woman, then we start trying to impregnate and then nine months later, we get a kid."

So it could be a year or two away or it could be too damn long for him to want to think about.